I'm always telling people lately that I need to feel like a 'real person'. Now seems as good a time as any to explain that!
So I recently moved to New York. I'd say it was a spur-of-the-moment thing, but really it was more of a sieze-the-opportunity thing. A short notice employment offer and a long-running desire to get back out here meant that in the space of 10 days I went from having no prospects to standing bleary-eyed in Times Square, dragging along a suitcase and hauling a backpack and wondering murderously how anybody could get around in this goddamned place when the train lines have numbers instead of names.
Since then I've been incredibly lucky. I'm settling into a job, I found a place to live within a week, and I've got the most wonderful network of friends and family. But here's the thing... it's been so damn hectic that I've had no real time to do anything much more than work, eat, drink and sleep. Usually in that order.
In the past couple of years I've found myself craving structure more and more in my life. It's like a game of Minecraft; get some wood, make some planks, build a pickaxe, dig a cave, make a home. One thing after the other, and you can't skip a step. That's how it is with me these days. Before I can be productive, I need my things in order. Before I can put my things in order I need to be settled. Before I can be settled I need my own space. And so on.
Now, back in London, I had time to settle. And once I moved into my sister's old room, I was able to put my things in order. And once I had my things in order, I started being productive. And once I got used to being productive, I was able to step back and appreciate things. I got into this fantastic space where not only was I working, I was happy to be working. It made me feel good about myself, and this gave me the confidence and general affability to start considering my own projects.
So I gardened a bit. I went from dreading the early Friday mornings to actually looking forward to them. I wanted to learn to do more for myself, and actually got pretty proud of the stuff I'd worked on! I'd talk to my buddy Ben about what we could work on in the future. Assuming I was still around, we made plans to make a project out of renovating the back deck at my place over the summer. We'd work and pause for beer and work some more, and at the end of the day just appreciate a good job done... well, if not well, then at least competently!
Then I came out here. And while I'm so happy to be back, while it's been such a fantastic opportunity and experience, I do miss being in that space. It's a space that I associate with pride in accomplishment... with making something, and being proud of the job you've done. It's why I've started this blog! I'm trying to do something - even if it's just masturbatory musings and idle scribblings - that I can call my own.
So that's what I mean by being a 'real person'. It's been like a mantra in my head lately, riffing off the Bioshock quote in the title: "A Man Creates, A Slave Consumes". I've been doing far too much of the former, and it's time to do some of the latter.
Feels good, man.
I can see it in your eyes, when the fire dies, you think it's over but it's just begun
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