What's he up to now, you ask? Well, I'm basking in my Brooklyn backyard and... swatting mosquitos off my neck. Ick. I'm also sitting with a glass of wine and a sheet of paper with scribblings all over it, trying to decipher my scrawled on-the-go lettering and use these notes to update the ol' curriculum vitae.
If you know me, you know how I detest the rhetorical constraints of these things. It's all cookie-cutter equivocation, and it gives no sense of the person behind the formal words.
There's a fantastic book called Overqualified by Joey Comeau (of A Softer World fame) that is basically a series of cover letters written by an increasingly desperate person. It does exactly what I wish I could do - says 'screw you' to all that formality and offers something hilariously candid.
Unfortunately, I haven't quite the balls to write a cover letter that says how I really feel because sadly that is not how one gets hired. Instead, I'm going to vent a little frustration by comparing what the 'Summary' section of my resumé actually says to what it should say, sentence by sentence. God, I hope no future employers read this. Here goes:
What it says:
"BA graduate with experience in Chinese Studies, office administration and research."
What it means:
A college graduate with research experience. Sweet Jesus, who'd-a thunk it? I did exactly what was required me in college, and if I'm going to be honest it was kind of a special occasion if I did any more than that. I have exactly as much office administration experience as you'd expect from two 3-month internships; that is to say, heavy on the 'office' and light on the 'administration'. Oh, and the Chinese Studies bit? I took an equal amount of classes in Chinese and Japanese culture, and managed to get the diploma because my advisor basically said 'screw it, it's all Asia'. But hey, I can tell jiaozi from baozi, so I'm praying that gives me a much-needed edge.
What it says:
"A flexible worker with high attention to detail and the ability to work well under deadline constraints."
What it means:
Listen, guys. I want to prove myself. Frankly, I have some procrastination issues, and my long-term attention span could use some work. But at the same time, I'm not a fuck-up and I get the job done. My productivity curve might be a little steep, but if I need to I'll pull weekend hours and have nobody but myself to blame, and in the end the job'll be done on time. I work well under deadline constraints because that's often the only time I can shift my ass. I also have a high attention to detail because I'm kind of scatterbrained: I know this about myself, and I'm incredibly fastidious when it comes to never letting that be a problem with the important stuff. I had a few slipups back in secondary school that almost proved disastrous, and you'd better believe I learned from them.
What it says:
"Excellent interpersonal skills in both customer service and official liaison roles."
What it means:
I used to work in an office where I had to call the parents of child actors and tell them that their precious little bundle of sunshine and thespian prowess didn't make the cut. I firmly believe that this alone qualifies me for any customer service job on (in?) the market. If you - an eighteen-year-old intern whose sole job is to pass along the goddamned information - can handle an incensed adult demanding to know how such a thing could have happened, their little Timothy is such a wonderful actor, he was lead in his third grade play and everything, I demand and apology and your resignation! ... well, let's just say that schmoozing with provincial politicians from Pakistan is child's play in comparison.
What it says:
"A strong writer who is well-suited to editorial and proofreading tasks."
What it means:
Well, now I'm just bragging aren't I. Put it this way: I like writing, and I love reading. I've been reading anything I can get my hands on since I first learned how to tell 'cat' from 'mat'. I've read good books and I've read bad books. I've read masterpieces of literature and I've read Twilight. (Well, no, that's a lie. I couldn't get past the first five pages of Twilight). My point is, I know good from bad, and I like to think that I have enough of a self-critical eye to be able to tell the same when I'm the one doing the writing. I may not have a perfect grasp of MLA styles, but if you give me a block of text to read I can tell you what sounds awkward and I can spruce it up to make it sound purdy.
Phew. Okay. Well, now that's out of my system, maybe I can knuckle down and actually make these edits. Me and the mosquitos bid you goodnight, sweet blog.
I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear?
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